King Of The Hill (Although Joey Thwapped My Arse)

• 5 Hill Runs
• About a thousand pushups up the Eastern Beach Steps (see vid)

The great crossfit challenge at Eastern Beach had been billed as The Battle Of The Siblings – the main contestants being myself and younger sister Joey. Running into the challenge Joey was very vocal (and just a tad over the top) in claiming she’d whip my arse and let everyone know about it. Well, I’m very happy to say that she didn’t whip my arse… she just sort of fwapped at it… with something less intimidating than a whip… like a wet peacock’s feather or something.

We picked up Joey’s training partner Leigh in the mighty Tarago and headed on down to the beach about 9am Sunday morning. Joey had mapped out the routine which was to go as follows –

• 5 hill runs
• 5 trips up the steps consisting of three runs treading on every step, one run of pushups (this was a fun one for the spectators, and one run of jumping every step.

I was feeling pretty confident despite the fact that I hadn’t done any running at all for about three months. The last time I had run regularly was when I was following the 531 Powerlifting routine and sprinting the hill at Allard Park in Brunswick three times a week. I’d sprint up and walk down 15 times a session. My focus had definitely changed since then to spending more time in the gym and doing the main lifts more frequently. Still, I thought I’d be up to five meager hill sprints.

When we pulled into the car park Eastern Beach my confidence plummeted. The hill we were about to run was about three times as long as the hill at Allard Park and so steep that another degree higher and we would have needed ropes and belays and climbing chalk to scale it. My thoughts wandered to my next squat session and the worry that knackering myself here might compromise the gains I’d been making with the higher frequency training.

But there was no backing out now. Leigh and Joey were slapping each other on the back and pointing out the bins to me in case I needed to spew.

We started hammering up the hill and Leigh – who is a freaking gun – held the lead without any effort. Joey was ahead and I trailed behind about a meter. I wasn’t concerned because my plan was always to lead in with a trial run and hit my straps in the later runs. Still, that made the score Joey 1 and RD 0.

After each run we walked down the long walking ramps which took about a minute and a half to descend and gave us some time to recover. As soon as we got to the bottom of the ramp we started sprinting the hill again. The second run put the scores level. I knew I’d warmed into it and was feeling all Clint Eastwood in the final scenes of Unforgiven – an old man with a lifetime’s experience of ‘killin folks’. I smoked Joey and was only a few steps behind Leigh. Score Joey -1, RD – 1.

Hill three was tough. Me entire lower body from the tip of my glutes down to the joints in my big toe were so full of blood I felt like I was a balloon animal some circus freak had made so that a young kid could stick a pin it and watch it fart away into a useless bit of plastic. Still, Joey was starting to complain and even Leigh was drawing in some long hard breaths. I thought I might have had them on the ropes. Leigh finished first again and I was a step and a bit ahead of Joey. Joey – 1, RD – 2.

On the way down the ramp after hill three it was a real battle to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The quads were so full of blood they were hard to coordinate and were searing in a bruise-like ache.

When we got to the bottom of the hill I took off first and yelled ‘Head start!’ but despite this Leigh still just nosed ahead at the top. Joey came in third to extend my lead. Joey - 1, RD -3.

I was ahead by two with only one hill run left and so I declared myself King Of The Hill (excluding Lethal Leigh of course). On the final run I stayed at the bottom, filmed Joey and Leigh running, and then ran up after them.

Once we’d made it to the bottom of the ramp again I couldn’t feel my legs at all and I was beginning to think about the bigger fish I had to fry in the coming week – the squat fish, deadlift fish and bench fish.  So I pulled out of running the steps, did the step push up challenge and copped an earful from Leigh and Joey.

Joey has claimed the win considering I didn’t finish the entire workout. I think that’s fair enough. Below is some footage of Joey and Leigh running the final hill. You can achek ou Joey's version of events here.