Because I’m the last to go in the Aussie Dad Bloggers Kris Kringle Challenge for 2012 I’d like to give a shout-out to all that have made it possible.
First to Dad Down Under who came up with the idea and got it going. It’s been great fun man and has bought a some great writers and humorists and web designers and goof Dads into the one working space. Nice work!
Secondly to all the Facebook fans who took the time to throw some article ideas into the Christmas Hat. There were some absolute classics and it’s a shame there are not more Dad Bloggers around to bring them all to life. We hope you all have a great Christmas and look forward to seeing you all next year!
Thirdly, a big thanks to fellow blogger Laney of Crash Test Mummy fame who was happy to be accosted via the internet and forced to pick topics from the hat. You did a great job and were far more efficient and organised than we could ever have been.
Lastly, to all the Dad’s who participated – Dad Down Under, 3AM Dad, Big Family Little Income, Tork’s Blog, The 40Yr Old Dad, The Illiterate Infant, Being A Dad, Tackle Nappy and Melbourne Dad. Some big things to look forward to in 2013. Fun times ahead! (Please head over to their pages and introduce yourself if you don’t know them already.)
Right, it’s time to open my Kris Kringle…
On the eleventh day of Christmas the Aussie Dad Bloggers gave to me –
What’s your top 5 tips for dealing with a sleep deprived, hormonal wife who’s into her first month of motherhood?
And isn’t that a present I wish I could re-gift?! But here goes.
I originally had five DOs and five DONTs for this question but the DOs were too lovey-dovey and sweet, you know – foot massages, wiping the strands of hair from her eyes on windy days, freezing water-filled condoms and placing them against her haemorrhoids… they just weren’t humorous like all the other Aussie Dad Blogger Kris Kringle articles so far. So, I’ve decided to save the DO’s for next Christmas.
Right! If you’re new to the sleep deprived, hormonal wife who’s into her first month of motherhood game then you better pay attention to these five DONTs.
Don’t ever mention that you’re feeling tired, or that your breasts are sore, or that none of your old clothes fit you or that you’re so swollen that you don’t recongnise yourself in the mirror or – worst of all – that you know how she feels when she’s woken in the middle of the night soaked in blood and breast milk. Just don’t, okay? Because you don’t know how she feels and sleep deprived, hormonal women who are into their first month of motherhood hate it when you say you do.
Don’t hold back your own emotions. When she’s just about to splay your genitals over something minor – like you wrapping the block of cheese in a sheet of glad wrap instead of a freezer bag – appeal to her super-maternal strength and shed some tears. Tell her about the uncertainty you’ve been feeling, how you’re desperate to make her happy but not sure how to do it, how you’ve never felt so confused. This will melt her a little and give you at least one night of slack. Warning: in my experience this only works once. After that she’ll be forget about the cheese and splay your genitals for taking up her emotional space.
Don’t ever say, ‘That’s just the hormones talking,’ because she’ll drop to her knees with the stealth and speed of a lactating Ninja and punch you right in the balls that made her pregnant.
Don’t buy her any magazines featuring celebrities who have recently had babies and regained their pre-pregnancy bodies in six weeks or less. That means all magazines that have featured Angelina Jolie, J-Lo or Victoria Beckham. That means all magazines.
Don’t stop dancing. No matter what hormones are going through a woman’s body there are certain things that will always distract her from her looniness – the muscles on a man that run down the hips towards the groin, long walks together that have no real destination and therefore no point, and the chance to go to a Hen’s night so they can adorn themselves with blow-up penises (some women also respond favourably to certain kinds of pavlova.) But, undeniably, the thing that makes women swoon before all of that is a man who can dance. So when she’s just about lost it and you’re thinking you’ve got no place else to go, just pull out your groove, man! I’ve put together this Christmasy Dance video (below) for those who need to expand their groove arsenal.
Good Luck! And Merry Christmas from all at Aussie Dad Bloggers!
PS. Give me some slack on the dancing. I put this together four days post-vasectomy.