This is not a parenting blog. And I don’t consider myself to be an expert on children. This blog is more of an insight in to the inside of my braincase and while I know my own kids very well and can give you advice on how to handle Archie, Lewis, Tyson and Maki specifically I wouldn’t even call myself an expert on them because they’re human and humans have this crazy ability to change and grow and manipulate and have good days and bad days and all that jazz.

For those reasons I don’t often dish out unsolicited advice on baby management or child-rearing so please don’t assume I’m ‘up me-self’ for offering you these instructional videos.

I’m thinking about condoms as I’m pushing a trolley loaded with about $300 worth of groceries through the local supermarket. Toddler Tyson, who’s in the child seat, is storing about another $20 worth of food internally and that’s because I’ve fed him an insane amount of food including – but not limited to – a bag of grapes, a banana, two yoghurt tubes and half a packet of dried biscuits. 

Apart from stuffing him with food I’ve also let him spray a bottle of Lynx deodorant at the eyeballs of any people that attract his attention on the various product packaging. I believe this will help him to develop the mace-spraying skills he’ll need to survive as he grows up on the suburban streets of downtown Reservoir.

Like most people I grew up hearing the great western mantra – ‘You can be anything you want to be if you just try hard enough’. Years of disappointment taught me that this was an untruth. I did everything I could to be Kermit the Frog but here I am – uncute, ungreen and with elbows that only bend in one direction.

But I can still be Kermit in my imagination! And that’s what I am many night before I fall asleep; serenading Miss Piggy on some log on some riverbank inside my mind. Ahhhh...

So that’s what Fantasy Foto Fursdays are for. I’m going to be anything I want to be! And the great thing is I don’t even have to try hard enough. I just have to spend a few minutes on Adobe Photoshop. Ripper.

When I think back on my life and consider the paths I might have taken I can only conclude that my kids have rescued me and that has to be the reason that I’m fighting back tears, early morning in the Primary School’s quadrangle, as I leave Archie and Lewis in their classrooms. Archie for his second day in Grade two, Lewis for his first day at school ever.

Reservoir Mum is handling it a tad better and when we hug she tells me Lewis will be fine. I know this. I remember Archie’s first day and he survived – and so did I – but three years later he still looks too small as he walks away with his giant pack-pack and right now I’d just like them both to stay with me.

When RM and I climb back in the Tarago I turn on the radio. The song is ‘I get a good feeling’ by Flo Rida and my jaw starts to ache from the pressure of holding back my emotions and when RM holds her hand out for a Thelma and Louise I take it and the tension’s relieved a tad and I say, ‘Nine to three-thirty seems like a ridiculously long time for Lewis to be on his own’ and she says, again, ‘He’ll be fine.’

We’re at Northland Shopping Center – me, Reservoir Mum, Lewis and Maki – and we stop at the Indian Cafe to order two pieces of cheesy Naan bread for Lewis because he’s crazy for that stuff.

While the Naan bread is being bagged I notice three decent pieces of chicken that are heavily spiced to the point of being orange. I’m not really hungry at all but I’ll be dammed if I’m going to let someone else eat that gourmet shit and so I order them all and decide at the last minute to also get a beef Somosa because I’ve never tried one before and it might be very tasty.