SAHD Sex Anyone?
I have a contribution in an article at Mamamia today. The article is titled 'Househusbands, Do They Get Respect?' Here's a snippet from Fairfax columnist Derek Riley – who was quoted in the piece.
Every single living example of the house-husband-career-wife combo I've known has ended in a ruckus of acrimony. Man looks after the ship and crew while the wife, subconsciously contemptuous of her dull, compliant husband, seeks broad-backed tradesmen or fellow workers for good times.
"Movies and television revolve around the premise that house husbands are selfless white knights and lovable goofballs (Big Daddy, Daddy Day Care) providing a dreamy mix of whimsical and physical care. The truth is, house husbands are actually sexless drones scuttling from one playground to the next, subconsciously despised as pathetic even by their own children. Dickless cuckolds, invisible to all women including their own wives."
I wasn't going to say anything (else)...
But this assumption that stay at home Dads are 'sexless' and that a couple's sex life nose-dives if Mum works is fricken looney tunes. If a woman is turning to someone other than her long term partner for sex and companionship then I'd say that's a sign that there's something troubling about their relationship that goes much deeper than 'who does what'.
I think Riley has some insecurities that have led to some scary 'inside thoughts', and to make sense of them he's started connecting dots that probably aren't there. Something feels a little new, a little uncomfortable, and rather than taking that as a chance to examine the short-comings of his own world view, he instead filters it into everything he sees. It's because he's picking up his kids from school that the Mums aren't flirting with him, rather than the fact that they are most likely happy with their own partners and would assume the same of him (if they cared).
It's a sad thing that some men think they can flex their muscles and fatten their wallets and turn themselves into sex gods that every woman in the world (not to mention their partners) will be itching to get at. It's just childish or full-on delusional. Take your pick. But it probably is easier than developing the mindset that couples who are open-minded, flexible in their approach to family, and aware of each others needs are those most likely to have healthy long-term relationships and therefore healthy sex lives.
I know a lot of stay at home Dads. They're strong men in strong loving relationships. They see their wives as their equals and together they attack life as a team to support their family – whatever that involves. These men are appreciated by the people who are most important to them. Unlike Riley, I don't know of one whose relationship is in a 'ruckus of acrimony.'
I also have many friends who are full-time working Dads and the ironic thing is they are the ones most often bemoaning their terrible sex lives. I'm not so surprised.
It's no secret that one of the most commonly reported sources of tension in traditional 'mum at home, dad at work' relationships is that lack of support and understanding that women get on the domestic front. Men who become stay at home Dads by choice, most often after considering the pros and cons carefully with their partners, are more aware of what staying at home means. They understand how the role is undervalued and they also understand the great effort involved.
And more often than not, when traditional gender roles are reversed like this, the men get great understanding and support from their wives. This can only lead to a stronger bond, more time for intimacy and... you fill in the gaps.
Riley and his social group may consider stay at home Dads in a poor light but in the end it doesn’t really matter. It only matters what your partner sees. And when Reservoir Mum gets home from a day at the office she doesn’t see the despondent dress-wearing man at the top of this article. She sees this
Comments (7)
Apart from loving the photo - you sexy beast - when DH & I were married (last century... I know, you REALLY don't need to say anything...), my wage was higher than his. We saved his & spent mine. As he climbed the corporate ladder, we saved mine & spent his. He worked full time while looking after the house, dog, 2 kids, (both in school), managed the finances, whilst I was 'sick' (in a psych hospital to recover from a mental breakdown). He STILL chases me around the house. For anyone to think 'less than' of Dads who stay home either full time or part time, just tells you how ignorant & narrow minded they are. Kids don't really care who looks after them, so long as they are loved & cared for & that they have lots of loving attention from Mum &/or Dad. For kids, it is SO not about who has the better earning capacity, it's about being loved & included & cared for by a parent/s. It is just that simple; just that complicated. (I also believe that a lot of SAHD's actually do a better job than SAHM's. Maybe it's coz they didn't have 9 months start lol)
Thanks for the great comment Carol. I agree 100%
Being a stay-at-home dad, a plumber, a doctor or an astronaut doesn't make you a dickless cuckold...
...But approaching your family, your career, or your life choices in a whingy spirit of helpless victimhood does.
If you see parenting as an act of martyrdom, and spend your days bemoaning your miserable existence; if the first half-hour you spend in the evening with your partner is taken up with whiny complaints about your kids (or your boss, or your workmates, or your mum or whoever) well, don't sit around expecting too much respect.
Being 'empowered' or 'pathetic' isn't about your job description - it's about your engagement with the world, your kids and your choices.
Oh dear, poor old Derek Riley. I've just read his article and its seems like he's suffering a bout of 'got no mates' at the playground (the adult version). He's been dropping off his kids and picking them up at school every day, but, hang on, none of the other parents (who sound like they must all be mums) seems to have noticed him and invited him into their innner circle. Why aren't these women fawning all over him, worshipping the ground he walks on and cracking up at his great jokes?? Oh, of course, they must therefore think he's a hopeless, asexual loser. I have a little advice for Derek. Grow up. Now I've been a SAHD for several years and I do know the feeling of being 'isolated' from the schoolyard huddles, as this was my feelings when our son started at his school which none of his pre-school friends were going to. But I decided that rather than this reflecting on me as a useless sex-less lump, it probably reflected the fact that none of these other parents knew me from the proverbial Adam. Just like walking into a pub where you don't know a soul; who is going to wander up to you and start chatting away? (Thats right, the ones you probably don't want too). Anyway I decided that instead of sulking and/or putting on a pair of tight jeans, I had to 'make some friends' and the best way to do this was get involved in the school activities that I could - selling icy poles, reading in the classroom, helping out at sausage sizzles. Maybe Derek could try this instead. It got me some friends that would give me the time of day in the playground. No smooching though I'm afarid. A reminder for him, the school yard is not a pick up joint for snogging other parents, its a playground where you collet your kids. And most of the Mums I've met during this time have been, if anything, a bit jealous that their husbands don't get off their arses when they get home from work, and cook the tea, put the washing on, make the beds, change the baby or generally be more involved at home. Oh hang on, doesn't that make them eunuchs though Derek?
Your goddamn right Dan. Attitude is everything. So what if some ladies who don't know you from a hole in the ground don't applaud when they see you dropping off your kids at preschool. Derek has it all wrong, you got to have some kind of confidence, charisma, charm, ability to interact with people or you get ignored. Basically, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy--if you project what you believe people think--it tends to happen. If you project that you are a likeable guy--well shit, most people would think you are. If you project that you are dick-less--guess what...
Also, looking like George Michael might just maybe give off the vibe that you swing from the other side of the plate.
I have to say that RD, you are totally on point when you say that there has to be some other issues in a marriage besides who makes what that factor into infidelity--this Derek fellow is off his rocker.
I'm sure I've read a study where women voted for the thing that would get them in the mood and high up the list was the husband cleaning.
I don't think roles within a family affect a sex life greatly. But the unequal division of labour that leaves one doing ten times what the other does would. Even down to just being more tired and a little bit resentful.
Some guy in Europe somewhere did a study that equated high male domestic particpition with more sex in the marraige: so there Derek (and Batina ardnt whilst i am at it). i cannot believe the quotes from his article and think i would struggle to read the entire piece: How insulting, to me, to my husband and to everyone else.... Thanks people RD, guest bloggers and commentators for being a voice of reason