Are You An Undervalued Stay At Home Parent? Debrief Here!

On Tuesday Reservoir Mum, the boys and I had a great time at Bianca and Shaun’s (relatives of ours) renowned ‘Melbourne Cup Day Party’. There was lots of dancing and drinking and gambling - a real family affair.

As the day drew to a close, and I was preparing to tear up the dance floor ‘Gangnam Style’ I made mention of the fact that I was feeling a tad tipsy.

Shaun (pictured left) responded with, ‘Mate! If I was staying at home I’d be drinking every day.’

While that line could be read to imply that he would need intoxicants to cope with the pressures of the role, his enthusiastic tone made it clear that he was insinutating that being a stay at home parent would give him ample time to indulge in life’s pleasures.

I know Shaun well enough to concede that he may have been ribbing me a tad – he’s a hands-on Dad to two young girls and knows running a house and raising kids is a tough gig – and I'm even prepared to imagine that his thinking was being compromised by some hidden illness I wasn’t aware of, like haemorrhoids for example, or short vision.

Still, it flattened me a bit.

My next rendition of Gangnam Style was done without its usual head-turning flair and I disappeared into the realm of the average – just another bogan gyrating lewedly on the dance floor.

Two years ago, I wrote an article for Nicole Avery’s website Planning With Kids titled 10 Things I’ve Learnt As A Stay At Home Dad. I made mention of how undervalued the stay at home role is. Here’s the full rant -

2. The stay-at-home role is undervalued

Putting aside the fact that we are responsible for tiny humans and their developing lives, there is just a lot of hard work that comes with child-rearing on the domestic frontline and it is very rarely congratulated or celebrated. Whenever a stay-at-home parent takes the time to ‘debrief’ with regular nine-to-fivers they are often labeled as ‘wingers’, or ‘naggers’ rather than people who are simply looking for some understanding and acknowledgement of their efforts. Most employees understand that this sort of basic feedback is necessary to maintain employer self-esteem, morale and work ethic. For some reason society doesn’t extend this privilege to stay-at-home mums and dads. (Read the full article here)

While I’m prepared to let Shaun off the hook on this occassion (his wife Bianca wouldn’t let me shame him like I wanted to), I've heard many similar comments over the years, and many with true venom. There is no question the role is still undervalued by many.

Yesterday I took to the Reservoir Dad Facebook page and asked people to share any similar comments they’d received over the years. The response was so overwhelming (I’m still overflowing with whelm) that I've decided to offer a debriefing session every Monday.

If you feel you need to vent about a tough day, or hour, or situation, or particularly draining child behaviour etc, just head on over to the Facebook Page every Monday morning, find the status update titled RD's Stay At Home Parents Debriefing Session and let her rip, knowing that you are unloading on people who understand. No need to qualify your rants with 'but I love my children...' or 'but I wouldn't change it for anything...'. Just have at it! First, like the Facebook Page by clicking the Like button here -

To kick it off I've attached some of the comments from yesterday's status update. Feel free to add your experiences in the comments section below. I'm dedicating this page to Shaun. (And because I'm such a nice guy, who's easily influenced by direct threats, I'll let Bianca and Shaun get the final words in with the two last comments.) 

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i've been asked what i do all day lol well there's housework, washing, nappies, sibling fights to referee, mess to clean, discipline to serve out just to name a few and today i shall be drinking mister bigmouth wine lmfao… oh and decide what to cook for dinner and then try to cook it without totally destroying it whilst breaking up the fighting of a 2 and 3 year old lmao - Catherine Franziska Keevers

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I had a neighbour who used to constantly tell me how much he would love to bludge of his other half like I did. Another told me he would never allow his wife to sit on her arse all day watching the soapies. I had 3 under 3, including 1 with autism who did not sleep and hubby in the military so away a lot. I would much prefer to work a full time job - Jacqui Ross

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My Fav was a mate who said that when his baby is born he's gonna be a stay at home dad playing Playstation all day.......
I laughed & replied that he'd be lucky if he could go to the toilet without being interrupted or have an audience - Penni Perrin

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I only stay home three or four days a week and it's tough! Don't know how my partner survived and got everything done while she was off with the kids prior to going back to work... - Chris Bristow

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Yep, a couple of weeks ago I had three ladies in ONE day tell me that it must get a little boring and "what do you do all day"? One was a stranger, one was another mum and one was a lady I spoke to enquiring about their pre-prep program. She was the third. Lucky she was on the phone or I may have slapped her! - Taran Tate

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My three days a week in the office are my 'rest days' - Nicola Jones Lumby

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I often get "do you work or just stay home with the kids?" Even though I do also work from home building up our business, looking after my 4 boys (oldest turned 5 end of June and will be starting school next year, the youngest will be 11 months this month) is the hardest I've ever had in my life! I would LOVE to have my morning coffee hot for a change lol Some people just don't get how hard raising kids is! - Anna Mann

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I once got " so exactly what do you do all day" I had 3 under 4 at the time. So really not that much :p I mean after Oprah and dr phil and chatting with my girlfriends I was so exhausted ( rolls eyes) - Kerry Anderson

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I have two boys, 3 +5 and there are days when I knock back a drink during bastard hour (as it is known in our house) as by that time it is truly all too much. Having said that, I work two days a week which I consider a break from my real job. Not sure I have the energy to be a full-time stay at home mum. I raise a glass to you all. Dads included. A bit later though as it is way too early for vodka. Shame really. Who made that rule anyway? - Claudine Berrisford

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I am a full time headteacher looking after 200+ kids, managing 30+ staff members, working a 60+ hour a week job. I have a 3 year old and 2 teenage stepkids... I go to work for a break. Staying at home all week is hard and draining. Plus, nobody at work wants to sit on my lap when I go to the loo. - Jane Astrid Devane

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same old argument isn't it? I constantly have baby on one arm, wine on the other (cask that is). What of it? Do I complain at those who clock in to work each day and all they do is paint their nails and sit on Facebook and Twitter? A week in my shoes people!! A week!!! Sure my hubby says he could do what i do hands down - as apparentely chucking a load in the machine and hanging it out doesn't take all day(apparentely water takes toddler stains straight out), it's the other crap he wouldn't do ie; networking with other mums, taking kids to playgroup, taking kids to activities, kids parties, helping out at school, etc, etc, etc. And why is it sitting down for an hour whilst enjoying the luxury of what, say LUNCH is classed as bludging, but camping outside school for an hour on the iPad to ensure a park where my kids need not jaywalk is acceptable. What's the difference?? I'm still sitting my arse doing jack. Needless to say I laugh at these comments and give judgers what they choose to hear, as defending my role falls on deaf ears and is draining. - Michelle Toms

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"Why take care of your kids? You should focus on your career. You can always spend time with them when you retire." - Colin Wee

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In Hong Kong, it's all about what you do. In any new encounter, the first or second question will always be, "So, what do you do?" "I look after our daughter." "So, you don't work?" "Oh yes, I work, I just don't get paid a regular salary for it. Unless you count kisses and cuddles and life changing moments. In which case, I get paid in abundance!" - Diana Pizzari

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I've been asked a number of times since being a SAHD how do I like the break, or must be hard getting coffee and going to playgroup every week. But I just say actually well I now know how hard my wife had to work for the last 18mths plus - Simon Gandolfo

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At a party a man who knew my husband but not me asked me what my career was. Not 'what do you do?', but 'what is your career?'. When I said I was at home with my children, he responded, 'yes, my wife did that too. She stayed home for 6 weeks after our daughter was born before returning to her career as a lawyer'. Right-e-o then. - Susan Whelan

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I liked the woman in the paper who demonstrated what she did all day,)_ by stopping doing it_. When there were no clean clothes and no shopping in the fridge, the household pretty quickly wised up. - Yolande Yolande

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Can I just say in defence of this said relo Shaun (who happens to be my husband) that although at times some things that come out of his mouth he has not yet contemplated they way they might sound, he is in fact a wonderful father and also a stay-at-home dad every Saturday when I head off to work for the day, and although the house may not look fantastic he manages to take two children to swimming lessons (right at lunch time) get all the washing done as well as have dinner cooked (often for the neighbours as well)! I also recall asking why he hadn't got something done and his response was... " Do you know how hard it is to get the girls into the car and off to swimming when they're starving......etc". !!! Yes darling I do!!! - Bianca Kerr

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Relax people. Go and have a drink. I am - Shaun Kerr